Please Pass the Pillow...

I got an update for TheBump.com this morning, stating that "playing host to an ever-growing embryo does take a toll. Heavy fatigue may be settling in..."

Ummmmm, YA THINK?

As I read this I started to feel a bit of relief,  if it is in writing from an - ahem- reputable site, it must mean that I'm telling the truth. Part of me wanted to forward the e-mail to Kyle, subject line: SEE! I'm not just a lazy shit!

Every bit of this 8 week embryo is kicking my ass. I'm tired, nauseous and more tired. If I had to analyze it against my pregnancy with Coen, I'd say I am 10X more tired, and about 3X less nauseous. I guess you gotta give a little to get a little *sigh*

More Bump News- the baby is now the size of a raspberry. Last week it was a blueberry... funny, had I guessed, I would have thought the comparable fruits were the same damn size. Whatever. The baby is moving (his/her) little arms, legs and webbed fingers and toes. If you are picturing this baby looking like a frog now, raise your hand.

I must admit, and I'm not proud to, that I'm mentally battling myself with this pregnancy. I know I am blessed with this miracle, but sometimes I feel as though I am being punished. I feel like such a bad person for saying that, I really do. I know I should feel excitement, walking on earth like I'm walking on Cloud 9... but.... I'm just not. Sometimes I feel as though the people around me are more excited for me than I am for myself.

I begin to ask myself, why is that? What in the hell is wrong with me? Why am I not glowing with delight? The truth is, I'm being selfish, as I put my head down in disgust of what I just typed.

I can't get over the fact that we were so content with our little family, my two perfect boys- our little house that wasn't everything we wanted, but it was everything we needed. My new car, perfect for a family of 4. Now- everything changes. Kyle and I will be outnumbered by kids, Cameron has to move to the basement (which he is fine with) we have to trade in my 3 month old car that I love. We don't have the room, we don't have the money. I resent that I might not be able to give Cameron and Coen everything that I want to give them because I will now have to break our funds into three. I don't want those two beautiful boys to lose out on anything because of a new baby. Few people know that I actually cry every time I sit down and think about Coen not being the "baby" anymore.

I'm so wrong, there has to be something wrong with me.

I've been told by a good friend of mine that this is still the shock talking, and that once everything settles down the excitement will come. So, maybe it's down there, deep underneath all the stress, worries, fears... it's just dying to get out. I pray that is the case. I know I can be a good Mom to all three children, I know that Kyle is an amazing Daddy. I know I have the support of everyone around me, I know I can do this. I know at the end of the day, our lives will be enriched by this new baby. I know all of these things, so why do I still feel like I'm screaming on the inside, WHY ME?

I have so many beautiful friends that are dealing with fertility issues, many of which would kill for this miracle to happen to them. I think that is why I hate myself the most right now, that in some way my feelings are insulting to them. If you are one of those people reading this, I so apologize. Please know that I continue to pray for good fortune for all of you, and that I am so sorry if this post rubbed you the wrong way. I will get better, I just need time to reflect. I haven't done that yet, this all came out of nowhere and I've never really taken the time to sit down and figure it all out. I'm the type of person that needs to know every place for every little thing, every detail... I'm a tad anal and over-dramatic.... okay more than a tad. I'm so worried about the financials that I won't allow myself to enjoy any of this yet. Isn't that sad, if it had nothing to do with money, I honestly know that I would be doing cartwheels right now up and down the hallway. That does make me sad, it makes me feel ashamed. Kyle always tells me that it's not all about money, I need to listen to him more. He has the right idea. I need to chill the F out and understand that no matter what, we will prevail.

We are Boorstein's, we always do.