Moving On....

To my beloved readers, I am so sorry that it has taken me this long to post an update about whats going on with Baby Boo. I needed a few days to gather my thoughts and feelings.

I received a phone call from the Dr. on Friday afternoon, he said that the levels only went up a little bit, they didn't double like they should have, so I would be having what they called a "chemical" pregnancy, or miscarriage. He apologized, although he said I should be very hopeful because we did conceive. He looked at my charts, saw where things went a bit wrong and developed a new protocol to hopefully fix the error for next time.

I told Dr. Levy that Kyle and I wanted a baby more than anything, but that without insurance help, we would not be able to afford a cycle for awhile. He still wants us to come to his office in a few weeks, when I am ready, to discuss options of programs that can help us.

I will go to meet him, but I know what my plan is for the next few months. My body desperately needs a break. Its been 6 straight months of shots, medicines, doctor appointments and disappointments. I need to just walk away from the situation, repair my emotions and be ready to come back in a few months refreshed and rejuvenated.

I am going to visit Jenny Craig the first week of 2009. My goal is to drop a decent amount of weight by Amanda's wedding in June. Afterall, if I can't be 7 months pregnant in the wedding, I better just be hot:)

We are planning on getting quite a bit of tax money back as well as about 3K from my bonus in March that we will use towards another cycle in late summer. That is the plan right now, and I think that having a plan has made this loss a bit more easy to swallow.

As for right now, I have not started cramping or bleeding yet, I'm told it usually happens about 5 days after I go off the meds, which in my case will be tomorrow or Wednesday. I'm pretty certain I will have another mental breakdown when I do start bleeding because it will make the miscarriage real. I'm scared for how I will react, but I know that I need to take care of myself and everything else will fall into place.

As part of my coping, I wrote a letter to Baby Boo. Nothing too long or drawn out, but I thought it would be good to document how I was feeling on that sad Friday afternoon.
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Dear Baby Boo,

I just found out a few hours ago that you will not be joining us in August of next year. I have to say, it was probably one of the worst moments of my life. I only knew about you for a week, but already I wondered whose eyes you would have, if you would have my smile and your Daddy's hyper personality, would you be a boy or a girl? In fact, everytime I looked at your Daddy, I swear I could see you. I imagined what I would make your nursery look like. Your Daddy and I were so very excited for the opportunity to be parents again and I'm so very sorry that you didn't decide to stay with us. You will never know the love that would have surrounded you.
You will soon leave my womb and go to heaven to be an angel that will look down on all of us. There is no safer place than in God's hands, so at least if you are not with me, I know that you are well taken care of.
We will never forget the little time we had with you Baby Boo. I love you.

Mommy Boo
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