No Real Updates

The two week wait proves to be very boring, so I don't have any real updates to share. But, no news is good news right?

Lets hope so.

I've been trying really hard to stay upbeat about this whole thing, but to be honest, I'm dying inside. I randomly cry during the day- especially on my drives to and from work- thinking about what will happen and how I will take it if this doesn't work. I told Kyle today, the best thing would be for me not to be thinking about the IVF and the future ALL THE TIME...but its so hard. I honestly, in every spare moment when not thinking about a work project or something else keeping my mind going, think about whether or not I am pregnant. When I wake up, I take my temperature (which by the way, I still have no idea what I'm supposed to be looking at! When I first take it, it will be low, and I'll say that can't be right, and I will take it right again- and its higher and more normal to what it has been. I don't even know if thats the right thing to do. I hate temping) When I eat breakfast I think, whats best for the embabies to attach, when I am at my desk I am constantly checking my message boards to see if anything new is going on, and of course post my own questions and comments. Every twinge or cramp I think "Could it be?" and at this point, I am starting to think any symptoms I have are from my imagination. I dream about being pregnant, I have the most vivid dreams about the first pee stick showing two lines and how happy I am. Those are the worst, because I wake up and reality sinks in.

Its hard to not think about what comes next if this IVF cycle doesn't work. I mean, come on, who reading this can honestly say they don't think about their future. I can be as hopeful as the next person, but I've always tried to keep myself grounded with trying to conceive. so what happens, Do we give up? Do I just accept the fact that its not going to happen? How do I watch all of my friends get pregnant and have babies..and actually be happy and supportive of them knowing that it will not happen for me and Kyle?

OHHH the sea of emotions that I go through day to day, so while the two week wait isn't very interesting for the rest of you- since I have no updates on dr. appointments or medications- its more than overwhelming and stressful for me.

When I talked to my mother-in-law this morning, she comforted me in saying that if this didn't work and we wanted to try again, we would somehow find a way to get the money. She has always been so positive- I can see where my husband gets it! So stay tuned for operation Bank Robbery in an upcoming post lol. Just kidding!

I spoke with Kyle this morning, he told me that one thing that has been different this cycle than the ones I did with IUI's, is that this time I am not a total bitch during the two week wait. I had to laugh, cause he is kind of right. I remember being uptight and bitchy, but I'm more more calm and relaxed, on the outside at least. He said that when I was bitchy, I got a negative- so maybe there is a good reason that I am pleasant this go round.

Gotta love his honesty, god bless him.

I've decided that I am probably going to test Friday morning. It will be 6dp6dt (six days past a six day transfer) or 12 days past ovulation. If I am pg, I SHOULD be able to see at least a faint line by then..although its not 100% accurate that I will. I'm going to take the chance.

Keep your fingers crossed for me!!!