This isn't going to be one of those upbeat, funny posts that I am so widely known for by all of you. I feel like being blunt and straight to the point- most of you will think I am going off the deep end, and you will probably be right. I feel like I am just totally losing control over my sanity, if I ever had any to begin with.
So, I thought I would start off today by giving some helpful hints to my readers...because I was thinking... how will all of you react to this when I say, I'm not pregnant. Not that I really want you to say anything to me at all, but if you do want to try and comfort me, I thought I would make a list of the things that I do NOT want to hear.
Before I do so, please understand that I am not upset anymore, this morning while driving to work and talking to Kyle, my sadness just turned into pure anger. I'm angry, I don't think that what I am going through is fair. It must be karma for getting pregnant with Cameron so young and on accident. It just pisses me off, because when I got pregnant with Cameron, I was not a "good" person, I didn't look out for anybody but myself, I didn't value the good relationships that I was surrounded with and I certainly was not ready for a baby. Now, over the years, I've changed myself in more ways than I can begin to explain. I love more, I value more, I cherish everything and I respect all. Why is it that the good person that I am now is not rewarded, but the bad person I used to be, was? Maybe thats it, maybe God gave Cameron to me so that I could change. Afterall, having Cameron makes me want to be the best person I could possibly be and he is the reason that I am who I am today.
Strange huh? I have always gotten what I have wanted in a way. I have a beautiful little boy, I married the man that I set my eyes on and couldn't be happier, I always get the job I apply for, and we even got the first house we put an offer on. It would make sense that one thing in life shouldn't come easy wouldn't it?
Okay, back to the list...I seriously could do without hearing the following:
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Better luck next time- seriously? SERIOUSLY? If there is even a next time!
Stay Positive- GRRRRR. Okay guys so imagine this, you want a baby, you can't have a baby, you take about oh 30 shots in your belly area over the course of 3 weeks, you get up at 5am every morning and go to the doctors to get blood drawn and a ultrasound unit up your vajay for about two weeks, you go into a surgery where you feel like absolute crap for the following week, have these beautiful embryos placed inside of you only to find out, it didn't work. Remind me what the reason to smile about is???
So What Now? - good question, what now? Well, who knows. Kyle and I discussed the different options we have moving forward and none of them are what I want to do. Alternatives right now are just out the door- I won't settle for anything less than my very own baby that I carried in my fat belly for 9 months. So...I don't know what now?
I'm Sorry- yeah, I'm sorry too.
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Sorry, and if you are wondering, the answer is yes, I have the worst bitter taste leftover in my mouth after that.
I tested this morning. I knew I shouldn't have, but I did. Its 11 days past ovulation and I didn't even see the faintest of lines, not even a hey maybe its coming but not just yet line. Nothing. Stark white. I was just so excited, because my temps are still up- my boobs don't hurt like they normally do around this time when aunt flo was coming- I so wanted to see just a hint of something, to be able to tell my husband tonight that he is going to be a Daddy.
I really want my anger to go away, the tears to dry up and for me to be okay with whatever the outcome of this is. Sometimes I want to smack myself for being so confident when we began this journey, and other times I wish I never started this blog- or invited anyone to it. How embarrassed I will feel as everyone has followed my journey so far, and its like, this will be a letdown to everyone- not just Kyle and I.
When my IUI's didn't work, it hurt my feelings, but it was okay- because I knew IVF was in our future and I knew it would be the answer for us. Now I just don't know how things will be okay, when there isn't a next step to take. We did literally put all of our eggs in this one basket.
Basket, please don't break.
3 comments:
All I can say is that if I were you, I'd be thinking the same way . . . but it is still a bit early to be throwing in the towel on this IVF. I'd probably still prefer to think the worst because holding out hope always sucks, but I can tell you that if you ask on the IVF board, you will hear that most women will see a bfn at 5dp5dt. Mandy got a bfn that am and at 6dp5dt in the morning. One of the girls who cycled with me got a bfn at 5 and 6dp5dt - and she was pregnant with twins. It is much more common to see those lines at 7 and 8dp5dt, so know it isn't hopeless yet. And if this cycle does turn out to be a bust . . . well, you'll face that when you have to and figure out how to get through it. Try your best to keep sane and keep strong - it is all you can do right now. - Tkeys
Wow. Take a deep breath hunny. Like Tkeys said, it's way too early to be throwing in your towel. You knew before you took the test that if you took it this early, there was a chance of getting a false negative. You also knew you would react this way which is why you were trying to wait. So just keep breathing and thinking happy thoughts :) You and Kyle do deserve this and it will happen.
I can't imagine what you are going through, and I DON'T know what the right things to say are, but know that I am here with you and continue to pray for the success of IVF.
XOXOXO
CC
Gosh, I want to say I'm sorry, but you don't want to hear that :)....so I will say to you that I've got faith girlie. It will happen! As the other said before me, your still early. Keep calm, take a breather. Most don't get BFPs until a few days later than what you are actually testing now. Think happy thoughts :) I know it's hard to do but you can. You are a very strong person and we are here to help you out too. Wishing you all the best for a positive test!
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