A Silver Lining....

Well folks, exactly one week from the date that I found out I was pregnant, Baby Boo decided to leave us and go up to heaven. I started cramping heavily on Wednesday morning while in a company meeting. Within 10 minutes I made it to the bathroom and Yup, the bleeding had begun. I had to excuse myself from the meeting and run across the street to pick up new underwear and jeans because mine were totally ruined. When I got back, I was just miserable with cramps. I literally couldn't handle working so with the advice from my fellow colleagues I headed home.

I went home, took a nice pain killer and tried to sleep, but it just wasn't happening. I didn't expect the miscarriage to be like this. I'm not sure why but I just thought it would be like a normal period. The blood is bright red, I have blood clots the size of dimes and the cramps are more like knife stabbing pains in my ovaries. I feel nauseous and tired. When I get up and start walking around, or really trying to do anything physical, it makes the bleeding worse.

I'm not allowed to wear tampons because it doesn't allow the tissue to pass through, so I'm like a 6th grader wearing pads again. It isn't all that bad, except for the fact that its basically impossible to keep them in one place- secure- its just uncomfortable. I am ready for this to be over.

I took off of work yesterday because the cramps and bleeding were just too much. Truth be told, I probably shouldn't even be here today but its Friday and I would just feel totally horrible if I decided to take another day off. When I got here my co-worker asked me to help her out with walking a candidate to their different interviews. I'm a tad nervous because the excessive walking makes me excessively start bleeding, but at the same time, I want to be valuable to my job. I'll deal with it.

So, many of you are probably wondering whats going to happen now. Well, as I said before, I really want to lose a few pounds, maybe 15-20 at least. I know I need to lose more, but I'm not getting ahead of myself- afterall- I do want to try IVF again within a reasonable amount of time.

When I spoke to Dr. Levy the other day and I mentioned that I had no more insurance money to help with another cycle, he told me about a shared donor program that could subside the costs. The catch- I would go through another cycle with about 75% of it being paid for, but when I had my eggs retrieved, I would have to give half of them away to a woman in need of eggs. Now, I am all about helping another woman in need, in fact, I sincerely feel as though I will go into some sort of fertility help field once this is all said and done. My problem, however, is that I have no idea beforehand what eggs will be given to this person. For example, the last retrieval they took out 19 eggs from me. Of those 19, only 12 were mature, of those 12, only 10 fertilized, and of those 10, only 2 were able to be placed back in me and zero of them were able to be frozen. So what if I happened to give this other woman the only good eggs that I really have? I asked the nurse on Wednesday about my concerns and she just told me, its a risk you have to take.

Well, I'm going to be honest, that is not a risk I want to take. Not all the meds, all the dr. appts, all the bloodwork, the surgery, the wait- all to know that I didn't even get to keep any good eggs. Nope- not the option for me. Having 75% of the cycle being paid for is amazing, but I think its all a little bit too much for the huge risk I would be taking.

So, I don't think I have shared this, but Kyle got a new job! He works as a building enginner at a local outpatient hospital and his company got outbid to run the building by a smaller, less known company. The new company coming in wanted to keep Kyle because all of the tenants in the building just raved about how good of a worker he was. So, Kyle applied- took the drug test- and found out last week that he got the job! He is getting a substantial raise and is very happy. I'm so proud of him because he does work so hard. I wondered about Kyle's new insurance, and if it might have fertility insurance. Well, the day that I started my miscarriage, Kyle brought home the benefit package for me to review. He says that he is insurance dumb- and of course we all know that I am the wiz:)

I'm so excited to announce that not only does Kyle's new company have fertility insurance, Kyle's new company has AMAZING fertility insurance. It covers 100% of IVF, 3 attempts PER live birth. That means that we would have 3 more tries totally paid for!

I know its a bit early to be discussing this and getting all excited, but seriously, I don't care. I will have to see about switching insurance, what it will take, when it can go into effect and all the other fine details- but knowing that we have a chance, 3 chances actually, and to not have to worry about money, money not being a factor, well- its a blessing. Its our silver lining. Removing that stress alone just brings a tear to my eye.

Again, I believe this could go into effect on 1-1-09, but it doesn't change the fact that my body needs a break. So, for all of you inquiring minds, we will probably start trying again in late February, early March....as long as that is okay with Kyle.

Now, enough of that. I wanted to wish Tkeys a big congrats as she just had her baby boy, Micah! I'm so happy for you!

It wasn't until I changed my blog to private that I realized just how many people followed it and enjoy to read it. I'm so happy that you can find my story interesting, and that many of you can even relate to some of the experiences. I hope to never disappoint in providing specific details and keep you involved.

I hope all of you have a wonderful holiday season!